you came over and my heart was so full, I was so excited I could barely contain.
She suddenly appeared behind you, I was angry and hurt. The Jealousy began to built.
We were all standing on the roof, the sun was setting. You and her were in an embrace, I could recognize the romance, the moment you two were sharing. I couldn’t hold my jealousy anymore, I made it known.
You immediately pushed her away, she looks so confused, you pointed to the door and she left. I was still so angry, I sat on the edge of the roof my feet dangling over, you sat down next to me and kissed my shoulder, my jealousy was replace with bubbling puppy love. You whispered something in my ear and then, I woke up.
I am angry at my dream self, I’d never react that way and I refuse to believe I still have feelings for you. You really don’t deserve them.
I love my family, I enjoy spending time with them more than ever. California is great but not for the reasons I use to think.
I’m very thankful for New York and how strong it’s made me. I was so unhappy when I lived here in Ca. It’s alway been beautiful and easy but I knew I wasn’t challenging myself. I realized my comfort, recognized the plateaus. The east coast has shaped and built me. I love who I have become. I’ve waited for this moment, this happiness, for so fucking long.
I have my down days and of course I have so much more to conquer but I pray and hope this inner reassurance and happiness last forever. Coming back has only confirmed this new found power. I don’t mean to sound cocky, I swear I’ve always been quite humble about things of this matter but for the first time, I can finally say, I’m proud of myself.
Thank you universe for my many blessings, for such supportive parents, their generosity, wisdom and guidance. I am very lucky, luckier than most.
currently drinking white wine making a list of all the things I wanna do and bring to/back while I’m in California for the next 3 weeks.
found a small festival that foxygen is playing up in the mountains of big sur, asking the universe for the people I’ve contacted to get back to me about tickets. Its sold out but I feel positively about finding my way there. Two days of camping and music, oh golly I can’t even tell you the feelings I’m getting by just thinking about the possibility.
of course going straight to sf and oakland I have three best friends I’m gonna cuddle for hours when I finally see them. (!!!helen.sahara.charlie!!!)
and finally, Los Angeles because well I’m a city girl and LA is gonna be my sweet oasis of wild night life after a very mellow visit around Northern California.
road trips, old friends, and family, see you soon vacation/home land
I’m thinking about things
That are really no good
Gambling on pennies
Still doing what I should
Still feeling pretty empty
Still feeling fairly small
My heart is still yearning
Even though you let me fall
Yes, I’ve been doing better
Hoping to heal away
Making lots of effort
Saying it’s okay
So what am I trying to prove
What am I trying to get
Like chewing old gum
And refusing to spit